Jezebel reports: Katie Holmes is stressed out about Tom Cruise, so she is eating less. At the Met Gala last week, all anyone could talk about was how skinny Katie looked (and how fat Kim Kardashian looked. No one wins!). Tom Cruise used to be far away shooting movies. Now, however, he’s back in NYC, taunting Katie and their daughter by being a father and a Scientologist.
Does this mean that scientology is the newest “it” diet? Anyways, her falling career, her lack of a love life and Tom Cruise back in the family’s life has stressed Katie into skinnyness. She’s called “skin and bones” and accused of “wasting away” and why don’t you just shoot us? It would be less painful. Moving on: Prince Harry allegedly revealed to an alleged source that Prince William and Kate are allegedly having a baby boy!! Also, Kate apparently got a stroller that is blue AND, (this is huge, you guys), Prince Harry accepted a blue teddy bear from a little girl!
Which means Prince Harry is pregnant with a son, too!! Congratu-fucking-lations. But then Kate had some Pepto Bismol, which happens to be pink, so she is actually telling us that she is having an intersex child (we just made that up).
Jezebel reports: Kim and Kanye are getting married in Paris, because what else is there to write about? Apparently, they are super happy! The couple has even learned how to compromise (vut dat?).
They’ll get married in Paris soon because Ok! photshopped a French beret and a French flag on a picture of Kim. Also, the couple likes desserts and champagne… See?!?! Reasonable evidence of a Parisian wedding! The mag also threw in some French phrases for Kim to learn: PARIS. WEDDING. SOON. Moving on! Jennifer Lawrence is apparently down to marry her ex Nicholas Hoult.
But he is breaking her heart. He was spotted walking around with Elvis Presley’s granddaughter, aka fingering her. The Queen of England issued a stern warning to Prince Harry to behave during his US trip. He has been a good boy, yeah, you good boy. Johnny Depp and Amber heard are not only going to get married, they will have a child soon. We all know that the only way to hold onto Johnny Depp is to have his child. Duh. Finally: Kristen Stewart has been begging Rob Patterson to get a home in Idaho. Say yes, RPatz, that way we don’t have to see Stewart sulking around on the red carpet.
Jezebel reports: Kanye West is gay, everyone. He is avoiding Kim Kardashian NOT because he’s a selfish, egomaniac artist, but because he likes dudes. Apparently he’s shacking up with Givenchy’s creative director, Riccardo Tisci. And by that we mean they’re friends and Tisci lives in Paris and so does Kanye. GAY. SO GAY. Other reasons why Kanye is gay: He raps about women all the time. Kim, with a reality tv show, is clearly the cleverest beard.
This has got to be the dumbest gossip ever. Up next: John Legend and Chrissy Teigen’s future wedding just hit a wall, because Legend allegedly pulled some blonde chick into a bathroom and started marking out with her at a cajun restaurant. We’ve always wondered: what if someone just/currently is taking a dump in the bathroom? Or what if Legend needed to take a dump and needed a wiper?
Jezebel reports: This story will not go away. Model Michael Girgenti believes that nine months after he had unprotected sex during one-night stand with Kourtney Kardashian, she gave birth to a kid who is biologically his son.
Anyway! Kourtney allegedly told Scott and he was überpissed. There are a bunch of pix of baby Mason put next to pix of Girgenti when he was a baby and we’re all supposed to think they look exactly alike. But kids look like kids and whatever, as dark Willow says when she’s a vampire: bored now.
Also inside: American Idol might be firing everyone, including Ryan Seacrest. In fact, Randy Jackson didn’t quit, he was fired, but he wanted to make it look like he left of his own volition. David Burtka cheated on Neil Patrick Harris, but “close pals insist” that NPH is no angel either: “They both have masseurs they are close to.”
Jezebel reports: If you’re in the mood to read a nice, sweet, romantic story about nice, sweet romantic people, this sugary faux-exposé about the fucking adorable couple Jenna Dewan-Tatum and Chaning Tatum is the ticket. She’s pregnant, but he’s filming in London, so she moved there to be with him and their first kid will be born in London Town. “we’re both terrified,” he says, “but really excited.”
Meanwhile, a friend says they are “true soulmates” and there’s a heap of anecdotes about him sending her flowers and notes and giving her foot massages. She recently had a craving for Mexican food and Channing immediately tweeted about it, asking his 4 million Twitter followers for the best Mexican food in LDN. She’s “lovely and down-to-earth”; he’s a sexy and doting and a “great stripper,” everything is awesome, the end.
Gossip Center reports: The “Glee” actor looked casually cool in navy pants, a striped hoodie and black sunglasses as he flashed his pearly whites for the awaiting shutterbugs.
Gossip Center reports: Looking chic in an all-white ensemble and black jacket, the “Stepford Wives” actress boarded the John Walker and Sons voyager yacht to enter the swanky event.
Gossip Center reports: According to TMZ, the “Teen Mom” star has pre-taped an episode of talk show “The Test” where she dished that she is not expecting a child with porn star James Deen.